


Things are Different Now

by PunkArsenic



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dissociation, M/M, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Other, Polyamory, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-12 14:50:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 11,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4483475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PunkArsenic/pseuds/PunkArsenic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of ficlets following the deterioration of Sirius and Remus' relationship during ootp.</p><p>"It was good, oh of course it was good, this was Remus Lupin, and if anything still worked on him, it was his mouth; anything that came from that mouth could move mountains and pluck stars from the sky. Or destroy them where they stood."</p><p>for clarification: Sirius uses they/them throughout. All three Remus, Tonks, and Sirius are nonbinary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Passing Notes in Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'One would think that a near escape with the dementor's kiss and a godson to think of would have made Sirius Black just a tad less reckless.'
> 
> short, based in the winter of gof. remus lupin receives a much anticipated owl.

Remus sat in a dilapidated cottage, focusing intently on sewing a patch into a pair of jeans, which were spattered with blood where his shaking hand had missed and pricked him. It was bitingly cold.  
  He yelped and jumped up, shoving a bleeding finger into his mouth and wheeling around. A small, energetic owl had slammed through the window and was now bouncing about the room. Remus watched it for a moment, then caught the owl in two hands, careful not to squeeze too hard.  
   His heart stopped when he saw the parchment tied to the owl's leg; the looping cursive letters were all too familiar. There was a second - the briefest of moments - where Remus felt the impulse to slaughter the bird and burn its message, having expected this moment for over a year. But in that year much had changed, and much had come clear, and Remus collapsed into his chair with a smile spreading across his face.  
  
 _'can we meet? i want to see you. we barely got to talk. i miss you._  
 _xx padfoot'_  
  
 Remus stared at the name, letting a slow sigh escape him. One would think that a near escape with the dementor's kiss and a godson to think of would have made Sirius Black just a tad less reckless.  
    He rummaged his bag for parchment and a quill, settled for a scuffed Biro he'd found on the journey, and wrote his reply. It was obviously too dangerous for him to meet Sirius, for Sirius to meet anyone these days. He curled the edge of the parchment, mind wandering to what an encounter with Sirius would be like...  
   They would be dirty, but so was he, and hungry, but so was he, and scared, but so was he... but until it was possible for Remus to completely discern 'meeting my lost fiancé' from 'meeting the murderer of everyone I love,' it was best they stayed apart. Obviously, he didn't write that.  
  
_'its too dangerous, im sorry. just focus on not dying and everything will be okay soon.'_  
  
 He stared at the note, chewing his lip.  
  
_'i miss you too._  
 _xx moony'_


	2. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Number Twelve Grimmauld Place was like a huge wood-and-brick dementor, sucking the life out of them into its dingy walls. There was a creak and they looked up, but it was just Kreacher, the old house-elf. Sirius told him to piss off.
> 
> short. Based in the summer before ootp starts.

Sirius sat on the stairs, picking at the peeling wallpaper bitterly. Number Twelve Grimmauld Place was like a huge wood-and-brick dementor, sucking the life out of them into its dingy walls. There was a creak and they looked up, but it was just Kreacher, the old house-elf. Sirius told him to piss off.  
   They sat and waited until they had ripped a good area of wallpaper off, before the door creaked open. Sirius stood, the breath leaving them as one by one the Order of the Phoenix filed in.  
    ... Kingsley, Arthur, Tonks... Remus Lupin.  
  Sirius rushed towards him, but hesitated before they could hug him, causing Remus to yelp when he turned from closing the door to find them looming over him somewhat. He yelped again when the portrait of Mrs Black began screaming in his ear. Sirius led Remus away to where the others were, shouting, "Oh, shut up you old hag!"  
   Remus leant against the wall, away from the group, and caught his breath. He failed to stop himself from flinching when Sirius turned up beside him again.  
   "I'm sorry, um, did I scare you? I didn't mean to, Re-"  
 "No no, I've just..." Remus ran a hand through his hair, sighing, "Been doing a lot of hiding lately, you know..." he looked at them, "I forgot how tall you were. When I last saw you you were kinda-" he slumped over.  
    Sirius nodded, picking nervously at a hangnail, "Why have you been hiding? Don't you have anywhere to stay? Can't you afford anywhere? You can stay here!"  
  Remus smiled at him but shook his head, "That's not it. Order work. I'm fine, really." He glanced down as Sirius took his hand.  
   "Your hair, it's all light and greying now," they noted, frowning, "But it suits you, I think."  
   "Well… yours is all long now. Longer," Remus retorted, looking them up and down, "And it definitely suits you."  
   "Oi! Tall dark and handsomes you gonna join us or what?" Tonks called across the kitchen. Remus laughed and they sat, still holding hands under the table.


	3. Reminescence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I would have lost the only friend I have left. I would have lost my-" he turned his head down, shrugging.  
>  The sun had now dipped beneath the trees and all was bathed in a blue light. Sirius watched Remus, shuffling their feet, then muttered, "Your boyfriend?"  
>  "Yeah," Remus rubbed his hands against his face, sighing, "Yeah, that."
> 
> Remus' first time staying over and Sirius is giving him a tour of the house, something they never got to do at the age of 14 like most kids with their friends.
> 
> warning for ableist slurs and brief discussion of the potters death.

Sirius had a childish grin plastered across their face; Remus Lupin was staying the night, just him and them - and Buckbeak - and a few other order members who were staying. Just Remus and them.  
   "And this..." Sirius shoved open a door at the end of the second floor, "Was my room!"  
    Remus peered in and snickered, "I can tell. Besides those," he nodded to the posters of women in bikinis pasted across one wall.  
   "Oh, yeah, that was before I realised. I just fancied pissing them off, I s'pose..." they sidled to the wall, picking at a burnt patch, "When I left I stuck posters of men over these ones, but I must've fucked up the charm, 'cause they got them off...  
   "So anyway!" they spun on their heel, "Where next-" Remus was sat on their bed, looking at a photo stuck on the wall.  
   Sirius sat down beside him, draping their arm around Remus and joining him in watching their photographed youth. Remus flinched for a moment, then leant into Sirius.  
    They stared out the window, in silence. Remus leant his head on Sirius, who began to fiddle with his greying hair.  
  "I'm sorry for jumping when I saw you."  
    "Oh, no, only natural to jump when my face is usually paired with the words 'violent crazy murderer'"  
    Remus looked up at them, "How can you talk about it in such an offhand manner?"  
    Sirius shrugged, "It's been over a year. I'm used to it. The people who matter know the truth." their hand fell from Remus' hair and they muttered, "James knew the truth."  
     They fell into silence again. After a pause of great length, Sirius spoke again.  
  "I'm sorry you lost your job. I should have been more careful. I should have sought you out-" Remus snorted with laughter.  
  "Sirius Black, had you sought me out back then, I would have killed you on sight!" he paused, then nudged them, "You had little to do with my job situation, Sirius. It was inevitable."  
   Sirius stared down at him and whispered, "You would have killed me on sight?"  
  Remus sighed, peering about the room, "Well, would you blame me?"  
   "No..."  
   Remus took Sirius' hand and squeezed it, smiling at them, "But I didn't, and I'm glad. I would have lost the only friend I have left. I would have lost my-" he turned his head down, shrugging.  
   The sun had now dipped beneath the trees and all was bathed in a blue light. Sirius watched Remus, shuffling their feet, then muttered, "Your boyfriend?"  
   "Yeah," Remus rubbed his hands against his face, sighing, "Yeah, that." With another sigh he leant back across the bed and spread out his arms. Sirius copied him.  
    "Did you see how Harry looks-"  
   "Just like him?" Remus finished, "Yeah. Like a humble little doe-eyed version of him."  
    "It's so strange. Well, not strange really since he was his father but-" Sirius shrugged, "It must be why Snape hates him so much."  
   "Yeah. I think so. It makes sense."  
 "You agree with me that he's a prick now?"  
  "Well..." Remus shuffled closer to Sirius, "Snape isn't nice, but nice is not the same as good..."  
   "Oh, sod off!" Sirius laughed, "You're almost as bloody trusting as ole Dumbledore! I can't believe he trusts that tosser, if the whole, you know, Death Eater thing wasn't enough, doesn't he remember the scene he kicked up when you and I went to that dance together? Even I wouldn't reclaim some of the shit he spewed, and I'm-" they were cut short in their rant by Remus planting a kiss on their cheek.  
   Remus rested his head on Sirius' shoulder, smirking, "Don't protest too much; people might think you like him."  
   Sirius crinkled his nose, "Disgusting." They both laughed until Sirius kissed Remus. The release was like a flood gate. Soon Remus was pressed against the wall and they were kissing (and kissing and kissing and kissing) passionately, as if they had never kissed before, as if they would never kiss again.  
   Sirius' hands lifted Remus' top and he shoved them away gently, "No no no no no," he shook his head, smiling apologetically at Sirius, "No."  
   Sirius nodded, "Moment over?"  
  Remus sighed, "Moment over."  
  
They continued to talk into the night, until they slept in separate beds, and didn't touch again.  



	4. The Dementor's Trick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You've done this since you were a teen, remember? Sometimes things stop feeling real, and what happens? What happened, every time?"  
>  Sirius stared at him, "You sat with me, and you stayed until it was over,"  
>  "Well, I was going to say 'it ends' but yes. That too," he kept a firm grip on their arm, making circling motions with his thumb, "And I'll do that again. Okay?"
> 
> Sirius has a dissociative episode, cw for drdp of course.

Sirius had always seemed, to Remus, considerably fine - all things taken into account. Perhaps there was an out of place shudder here or there, a furtive glance behind them, and they did insist on keeping the house quite warm - but that's natural.  
   "Hey, Padfoot, it's only me," Remus muttered as he entered Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. He looked around, unsettled by the stillness, and called out in as loud a voice as he dared, "Sirius?" Nothing.  
   He checked the kitchen, and Sirius' old room, before peering into Buckbeak's room on the top floor. There, Sirius sat in a corner, entirely spaced out. "Sirius?" they didn't look up. Remus crept into the room, sitting down beside Sirius, "Hey, Padfoot?" Sirius muttered something inaudible and Buckbeak chirped. "Sirius, love, you'll have to speak up."  
   "This isn't real," they turned to him, "All this is just... some fucked up hell they made for me because they realised the dementors weren't... bad enough for what I did."  
    "No... No, Sirius, this is definitely real. And you did nothing wrong."  
    "See? That's part of the thing!" Sirius pointed and laughed, "Sometimes, a lot of the time, you look at me like I'm some kind of- some kind of monster! And then other times it's like I'm your everything again. It's them!" they gritted their teeth, "You're part of all this; fake!"  
     Remus screwed up his face and sighed, "There's no magic in existence that could create such an experience,"  
   "That's what you think," Sirius waved him off dismissively.  
   "No, no, seriously!" he took hold of their arm and they flinched, "You've done this since you were a teen, remember? Sometimes things stop feeling real, and what happens? What happened, every time?"  
   Sirius stared at him, "You sat with me, and you stayed until it was over,"  
   "Well, I was going to say 'it ends' but yes. That too," he kept a firm grip on their arm, making circling motions with his thumb, "And I'll do that again. Okay?"  
   "See but," Sirius persisted, "They knew that! The dementors, they must have known what I'm like, so they've used that against me!"  
    "Right, well then, prove it."  
   "What?" Sirius laughed incredulously.  
  Remus turned them by the shoulders to look at him, "Describe what you see. Right now."  
   "I-I- you. I see Remus John Lupin and his greying hair and the crease between his eyebrows and..." they scowled, "These are all things dementors would know from my memory, tweaked slightly."  
   Remus groaned, "But they can't do this, Sirius! This is beyond any magical creature's reach!" Sirius simply shook their head, "Okay, fine, describe what you hear."  
   "This is ridiculous," Sirius snapped, folding his arms.  
     "It's what we always do," Remus shrugged, "Okay, then, we'll skip that one," he put a hand on Sirius' knee, "What do you feel? Not emotions feel, tactile feel."  
    Sirius huffed, rolling his eyes, "I feel... The wood I'm sat on, and I feel the warmth of the room,"  
   "Good,"  
 "And I feel your hand on knee, and uh... clothes? I guess?" They looked at Remus, "I can feel my clothes?"  
   "Well, that's expected, they're physical things. Dementors, or anything else, can't fake these details. And, what's more, Sirius, they wouldn't bother." Sirius chewed on his lip, staring at Remus. "But you know what makes this definitely real? The fact that I can say, sincerely, that I love you. That despite twelve years believing you were everything evil in the world, I still love you, Sirius Black.  
    "And I think I loved you all that time, too, in a messed up bitter kind of way. And, sure, things are different now - things are so different now, in so many ways - but if there's anything I know, it's my love for you." Remus smiled and squeezed Sirius' shoulder, a hazy smile covered their face, lighting up their eyes.  They took Remus' hand, thumb brushing his wrist through his jumper, "Even after everything? After all this time?" they murmured, drawing closer.  
     Remus leant his head on their shoulder and let out a long sigh, closing his eyes, "Always."   
     He ignored the doubts flitting through his mind.


	5. Star Crossed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His heart stopped as he saw a note tacked to the door in Sirius' handwriting: 'i'm on the roof. it's easy to get up through the window in here'
> 
> Remus and Sirius stargaze on the roof, bad happenings are revealed, the cracks are beginning to show. cw for suicide implication and smoking.

Remus found the house silent again. He sighed and dragged himself to Buckbeak's room. His heart stopped as he saw a note tacked to the door in Sirius' handwriting,

 

_'i'm on the roof. it's easy to get up through the window in here'_

 

 He burst into the room, ignoring Buckbeak's indignant screeches, and lurched to the window, tugging himself up.

  "Oh," Sirius sat up, smiling, "I wondered when you'd turn up."

   "You wo- WHOA! - wondered when-" With a flick of Sirius' wand Remus was safely on the roof. They frowned,

   "Okay, maybe it's easier if you're taller - and I have been doing this since I was a kid. You alright, Moony?"

   Remus stared at them, panting, "What the fuck are you doing up here?" he hissed.

  "Oh," Sirius waved their hand nonchalantly, "Nobody can see me. Doubt they can really hear much either; tellyboxes."

   "That doesn't answer my question!" Remus crawled towards them, staying as close to the tiles under him as possible.

   Sirius lay back again, "Stargazing. It's really clear tonight. My mother put an enchantment around this place ages ago so the light pollution doesn't get in the way."

    Remus sat beside him, hugging his knees and scowling, "I thought you were going to-"

  "Oh," Sirius sat up, "No! Oh, I'm so sorry, Remus. I didn't mean to scare you!"

   "You're still so reckless. I thought you'd grow up in thirteen years." He shook his head, reaching into his pocket, "Drat," he muttered, patting himself down, "I left them in my cloak- oh!" Sirius waved a cigarette in front of his face, "Thanks."

   He lit it and lay back with a sigh, staring up at the stars. They lay in silence for a moment.

   "Tonight's perfect. No moon, none whatsoever, see?" Sirius held up their left arm and pulled down the sleeve to show a tattoo of an empty circle with the word 'Moony' in the centre, "I love nights like this."

   Remus smiled sadly and tugged Sirius' hand back down, letting their fingers knit with his. He blew smoke into the sky.

   "Your hands are so fucking cold," he murmured, shuffling where he lay.

   "They've always been cold."

   "Yeah... Yeah, it's like you haven't changed a bit in fourteen years. Not a jot. Well, your hair's longer. But it's still like you're the reckless boy I..." he trailed off, his head turned to look at Sirius, who was looking straight back at him.

  "Married," Sirius finished, "The reckless boy you married. Fifteen years ago," they looked to the sky, "Fifteen years exactly."

   Remus started coughing violently and Sirius had to pat his back until his lungs calmed down, then he said, "Today?"

   They smiled and nodded, "Today."

  Remus took a deep breath, staring up at the sky, "Blimey." He chewed at his lip, "Fifteen years... Should I have-"

    "No." Sirius took his hand again, "No, everything's fine." They smiled at Remus and the stars reflected in their eyes, "Everything's perfect."

   They lay once again in silence. Remus chewed at his lip and Sirius made circular patterns on his hand with their thumb.

   "I'm up there. Somewhere. Well, not me exactly, but my namesake. I can't remember where," they held a finger to the sky as if tracing a map, "Actually, your tattoo should show us," they lifted Remus' right arm.

   He watched blankly as they pulled down his sleeve, letting smoke trail from his nose. Sirius sat up, tugging Remus' arm closer, leaning over it so close their nose almost touched it. They looked up, eyes wet, "What-"

    "I tried to get it off, multiple times over those twelve years," he inspected the scars, "That one almost killed me."

   "Oh..." Sirius ran his hand across the centre of the circular tattoo, where there had once been a bright star with the word 'Padfoot' written beneath it. Now it was obscured by deep gashes.

   "Permanent tattoos, my idea. My... fault."

   "Remus I- I'm so sorry," Sirius whispered, pulling him into a tight hug, "This is all my fault."

    "I fail to see how," Remus muttered, putting his arm around them.

   "Had I not made Peter swap, had I not hunted him down, had I been smarter about everything."

   "From what I see, we can put all of this down to Voldemort. And Peter." He felt Sirius' fist closed around a handful of his jumper.

   "I'll get him. I swear to Merlin I will kill him!"

   "Hey now..." he pulled them off him so he could see their face, "Don't say that. James wouldn't want that. Harry doesn't want that," Sirius' face twitched convulsively, "I don't want you to do that, either."

   Sirius laughed, "Yes you do! You hate him! Hate him! You were going to kill him with me!"

   "Well... yes, but I don't think it's a good idea. But we can lock him up to rot away in Azkaban." He patted their shoulder.

   They scratched their chin, turning to the sky again stony-faced, "Damn right," they grumbled. They closed their eyes and tilted their head back; there was a breeze. Remus leant on their shoulder, hugging his knees, and when he shivered Sirius removed their jacket and draped it over Remus, pulling him closer.

   "I thought about you a lot. In there," Sirius whispered after what felt like hours, "What you were doing, how you were, what you thought was true... especially on full moons," they sighed into Remus' hair, "I didn't know if you were even alive. Seeing you at Hogwarts..." they trailed off.

   "I was travelling, doing odd-jobs, trying not to get caught. I was a muggle supply teacher for four whole months, left after... I don't like seeing how kids act, because we acted like that. Seeing it from the outside just made it worse."

  "What are you talking about? The stuff with Snape?"

   Remus' drew deeply from his cigarette before stubbing it out, "Mostly," he breathed, "The way you treated him - the way we treated him - I saw it again and again. How you were cruel when you were bored... How I was too scared to say anything..."

   "Scared?"

  "I'd never had friends; I couldn't lose you." he turned over the butt in his fingers, "I even kept dating you after you nearly ruined my life."

   Sirius shifted, looking at Remus, "What do you mean?"

   "When you told Snape where we went. He saw me, and if he'd died that would have been it. Everyone who reads the Prophet would have known, which is everyone."

   "I didn't think."

  "You don't do that much," he tossed the butt into the overgrown garden.

   "I'm not going to defend myself. I didn't think, not about you, nor Snape, nor anyone..." They tilted their head, "Why didn't you leave me?"

   Remus shrugged, lolling his head against them, "'Loved you, maybe?" He rubbed his eyes, stifling a yawn, "Who else'd love me?"

   He fell asleep on their shoulder, and they carried them in using the same spell they had used to carry Snape two years before - but with much, much more care.

 

 


	6. a Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but I- You're angry with me, and things are different- No no don't deny it!" Remus shut his open mouth. Sirius sighed and held them by the shoulders, "I know you, Moony. And things are different, for better or for worse, and I just think we should give it a try."  
>  "Give polyamory a try?" Remus raised an eyebrow,  
>  "Well..." they shrugged, "Yeah!"
> 
> Sirius takes it upon themself to try and do what's best for Remus. Opinions may vary on what's 'best'.

Sirius knocked on the door of the room Remus had taken as his own when staying over. They waited, tapping their foot nervously.

  They took Remus' half-awake mumbles as consent to enter, and pushed the door open. They smiled at the sight of him, a tangle of limbs and sheets and untidy hair, wearing short sleeves for the first time they'd seen in months - fuck was he beat up.

   They lowered the tray of breakfast onto the bedside table, then sat down on the floor, "I made you egg and soldiers. That's your favourite, right?"

   "Yes, I am six years old," Remus grumbled, sitting up, and rubbing his eyes. He smiled at Sirius, "Thank you."

   "When do you have to leave?" they asked.

   "I don't; Dumbledore always insists I don't do Order work on Saturdays," He picked through the toast fingers, "Despite no Synagog to go to, and no family to spend the day with. I work on Sunday, though."

   "What about your father?"

   "It's best to stay away," he shoved an egg covered soldier in his mouth, "You know?"

    Sirius nodded. They didn't know, couldn't see why on earth you'd avoid spending time with a father who loves you, but it was best not to go off on that tangent.

   They watched Remus eat, taking in his movements, the shape of his face, the overgrown and greying way of his hair, and tried to remember him as he was. Nothing important had changed.

   "This means we can spend our anniversary together, probably undisturbed. Although," he waved a soldier at them, "Before you get any ideas, you're still not allowed out!"

   Sirius laughed distractedly, it had not even been on their mind. They were lost in Remus' voice, trying to memorise each word.

Remus frowned, "You alright? You've got that look in you again," he sat up further, "What's wrong?"

   They took a deep breath, then looked at Remus dead on, "We should take a break."

  "A break on what?"

  "On... us. Our relationship."

   Remus' feet hit the floor and he stared at them, "You're breaking up with me?" he asked flatly, wide eyed.

  Sirius stared at the ground, tucking their hair behind their ears, "Well..."

   "What did I do?" there was a hint of hysteria in his voice.

   "Nothing!" They looked up, "I swear! It's not-"

   "You it's me? Are you fucking kidding me?"

   "No! Listen!" they jumped to their feet, as did Remus,

   "No you listen!" he jabbed Sirius in the chest, "I have given so much for you, waited so long, too long for such a ruddy excuse! I-"

   "Then listen to me!" They took his hand, "That's not it! I'm not even really breaking up with you."

   "Then what the fuck is 'a break'?" Remus said incredulously.

   "It means I still love you, fuck do I love you, and I know you love me because you said so, but I want you to see other people... at the same time? Kind of?"

   Remus stared at them, "That's..."

  "It's like," Sirius said, "we can still be us, but I- You're angry with me, and things are different- No no don't deny it!" Remus shut his open mouth. Sirius sighed and held them by the shoulders, "I know you, Moony. And things are different, for better or for worse, and I just think we should give it a try."

   "Give polyamory a try?" Remus raised an eyebrow,

   "Well..." they shrugged, "Yeah!"

  "And what, if Kingsley breaks up with his husband and suddenly has a thing for washed up punks, will you be running off with him?"

   Sirius laughed, "Only if you come with me! Besides, haven't you been paying attention? Kingsley _is_ a washed up punk!" They sat down on the bed, pulling Remus down next to them.

    "Not one with a criminal record."

  "A criminal record makes me all the more punk, I think."

    Remus shrugged, pushing the hair from his eyes. "You think I'm angry with you?"

  "No, I know you are. And... that's alright, I understand why, but it means there are problems."

   "Then we sort through them, dickhead!"

    "Yes, obviously, but-" they turned to face Remus, "I don't want to tie you down. I know that sounds silly, but the fact that I'm stuck here, probably for years... I don't want you to get bogged down by that."

   "I'm not! It's what's necessary, so it's fine!" Remus insisted, and Sirius raised their eyebrows, unconvinced. "Okay, well," he huffed, "Maybe I miss adventures that were just for fun, but-"

  "See there you have it! With this solution, you get adventures and we can still work out our issues."

   "You're not scared of me bailing? Running off with some free wizard?"

   "Like I said, Remus, I know you," they knitted their fingers with his, "I trust you. And I know this is a good idea." They nudged him with their shoulder, "So... what do you think?"

  Remus held his face in his hands, frowning, "Even if I do find someone - and I doubt that, by the way - You'll still be my stars?"

   "And you'll be my moon, yeah," Sirius nodded, "That's the plan."

   He sighed, "Okay," he kissed them on the cheek, "Okay."

 


	7. a Quiet Anniversary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We could steal him together," Sirius smirked, "C'mon, with your skills and my looks and your looks and my skills, we're irresistible."  
> "I think the whole lycanthropy/wanted criminal combo is quite the turn off, actually," Remus muttered.
> 
> Sirius and Remus have a lazy Saturday, featuring some premium Lupin snark.

Saturday dwindled on, lazy, warm, stifling. Sirius sat with Buckbeak, Remus read, they didn't talk for hours.  
   "Hey," Sirius leant into the room where Remus sat - a once cosy room with a few moth eaten armchairs and a bare bookcase - "You want lunch? I can make... uh... anything you fancy, I s'pose." They tucked their hair behind their ears, twisting it around a finger absentmindedly.  
   Remus tilted his head back, picking at the edge of his book, "Uhhhhh. Fuck, I don't even know if I'm hungry; metabolism is righteously fucked. Hey you okay?"  
   Sirius shoved hair out of their face, kicking the bookcase, "Merlin's beard, I will shave my fucking head!"  
   "Gets in everything, huh?" He closed his book, smiling.  
    "I love it, really, it's amazing, but holy shit," they slouched in a chair across from Remus, "What would you know about long hair?"  
   Remus shrugged, "Parents didn't let me cut my hair 'til I was 11, and when my pa's hands started shaking I braided my ma's hair when I was home. It was longer than yours, I think. All thick and wavy too, nightmare."  
     Sirius sat up, "Could you...?" they pointed to their head and Remus nodded,  
    "Yeah, c'mere." Sirius sat on the floor in front of Remus, who started messing with their hair, fiddling with tangles, "I tried to braid your hair when we were kids once, but it was too short to do much good with then."  
    "It made a fine ponytail," Sirius defended themself,  
    "Nah, that was when we left school. Besides, plaits and ponytails are different."  
  They fell into a semi-comfortable silence, broken only by the odd 'ouch'.

  
   Remus sighed quietly and Sirius looked up as much as they dared with Remus ahold of their hair, "You're going through everyone you know, aren't you?"  
  "What?"  
  "That was a very specific sigh. You're thinking through the people you know, seeing who's a possibility."  
   "Uh... No... No that would... uh..."  
   "It's fine I did exactly the same thing, just didn't take me as long. You're right, Kingsley is a definite possibility. How about you?"  
 "This is a rather awkward flow of conversation,"  
   "So there's somebody! Ow! Mind out!"  
  Remus laughed, "No, no. There's nobody. I think Kingsley's the only person I know these days who likes guys - you know, actually know - and he's married, of course."  
   "We could steal him together," Sirius smirked, "C'mon, with your skills and my looks and your looks and my skills, we're irresistible."  
   "I think the whole lycanthropy/wanted criminal combo is quite the turn off, actually," Remus muttered.  
   "Oh so that's your problem, you're trying to think of people that know you're a werewolf. That does make it harder... McGonagall likes guys, doesn't she?"  
   "Is it really worth teasing me when I have both my hands in your hair? She's about as old as Dumbledore!"  
"Nah, he taught her."  
   "Fucking hell."  
   "Hey, that's a- OUCH!"  
  "You're ridiculous. And that didn't even hurt. Also, you have split ends that go on for, oh, whole inches."  
   "Ooh, I'm sorry that Azkaban haircare isn't up to your fluffy greying standard!"  
   "My hair is amazing, grey or not."  
  "Is it thinning?"  
   "It's as comb-breakingly thick as ever."  
   "I'm pretty sure it felt thinner to me."  
   "Yeah, well, you idealised me a tad over twelve years." They fell into silence again.

  
   "There," Remus tossed the plait over Sirius' shoulder, "All done."  
   "Cheers," they fiddled with the end, then turned around, "Wait, does this mean Tonks is a lesbian?"  
   "I'm unfamiliar with braid divination," Remus snarked.  
    "No! You said you don't know anyone who likes men!" They shuffled round to look at Remus.  
   "Oh, yeah, she's young anyway, but given that every mission we go on she tells me about one of her many escapades with one of her many ex-girls and some ex-nothingmuches and one veela one time."  
    "Oh wow. I have a gay cousin. I'm so proud."  
   "Oh, yeah, she's not exactly a girl per-se. It's okay to tell you, don't worry, she just doesn't bother with most people these days. She's um..." he slouched, blowing the hair out of his eyes, "A fluid-y thing with some girl tossed in there, which becomes more prominent when she experiences attraction to girls, apparently."  
    "So... like me, but the other way around."  
  "Basically," he leant on his hand.  
   "Huh. Wonder if it's genetic. But hey, you're half-ish girl, right? Maybe she's cool with that."  
   Remus shook his head, "On principle, I'd never date a lesbian. My mother would wear a smug smile as she turned in her grave,"  
   "That's... what the fuck, Remmy."  
   "Oh, normally I imagine she's just spinning and spinning around like an underground combine harvester - the trans, bi, werewolf son and his escaped convict half-husband, who's Goyische and English. Poor woman."  
    Sirius put a hand on Remus' knee, smiling, "She'd be so fucking proud, Moony."  
   Remus touched their hand, smiling back. There was a happiness like seventeen-years-old about the two of them for a moment, laced with new-age sadness, the kind that catches up with you in old-age.  
   "Now _my_ mother, on the other hand..." They laughed, they abused the memory of Sirius' parents, and things were okay.


	8. Enter Tonks, stageleft, persued by a love triangle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Wotcher, cuz?" Tonks shouted, then pulled off her headphones, grinning, "What's shakin?"  
>  Sirius spluttered, laughing nervously, "What?"  
>  "That's what you’s... uh..." she pointed at their jacket, "Grease-y people say, innit? Fifties and shit?"  
>  "You lost me."
> 
> Short dialogue between Sirius and Tonks, mostly lighthearted.

Tonks was in the chair room, dancing with herself. Her headphones were the biggest Sirius had ever seen. They gawped, laughing in the doorway, letting her just jump around and wave her arms for a while, before stepping forward.  
  "Wotcher, cuz?" Tonks shouted, then pulled off her headphones, grinning, "What's shakin?"  
   Sirius spluttered, laughing nervously, "What?"  
   "That's what you’s... uh..." she pointed at their jacket, "Grease-y people say, innit? Fifties and shit?"  
   "You lost me."  
  "You're from the Fifties aintcha?"  
 "Tonks, I'm thirty, not eighty!"  
  "Oh yeahhhh," Tonks flopped into a chair, which spouted dust everywhere in complaint, "'Course, 'cause you and Remus… Yeah that makes sense," she screwed up her face, "You both look so old!"  
  "Ha!" Sirius sat down across from her, "And what are you? Fifteen?"  
   "Twenty one!" she kicked them, "Legal to drink in San Francisco!"  
    "Oooooh!" Sirius snarked, "And you've done that have you?"  
    "Well..." She folded her arms, "Ain't like you've done it neither." Sirius leant back, raising their eyebrows and smirking. "Nah, you couldn't of done, you was in Azkaban by 21, weren't you?" They shrugged, smile gone, and Tonks shrank into her chair a bit, frowning.  
    "Why aren't you working? It's Monday."  
   Tonks shrugged, "Remus's ill, ain't he? I don't work without Remus."  
   They leant forward, "How come?"  
   She shrugged again, "They - they being, like, McGonagall and that - say he balances me out, he's all careful and that," she picked at the peeling rubber of her trainer, smirking, "I mean, that's what they think."  
   "Yeah, that lot never did get Remus that well, made him a fucking prefect." Tonks snorted. "Hey... how's he been recently, by the way?"  
   She looked up, "What? You talk to him more than anyone! You're practically married." Sirius laughed, looking away. "'Course, not literally, since he says he's broken up with his boyfriend... he gay?"  
   "Bisexual." Sirius picked at a hangnail, staring down at it.   
   Tonks nodded slowly, "Good to know... good to know..." She sighed, leaning back, "You're his ex, ain't you?"  
   "Something like that."  
   "Do I have your... blessing?"  
   Sirius gave her a bemused look, then shrugged, "Sure, whatever. I don't care."  



	9. to be In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Blimey, that was fast. You got some kind of weakness for Black Family Traitors, or what?"  
>  Remus smiled, shaking his head, "I don't know. How- how do you know when you're in love?"  
>  "Remus," Sirius frowned, "You proposed to me at sixteen years old. You know about being in love, surely."
> 
> Talking over a bottle of fire whiskey.

weeks had passed, and another moon cycle had begun.  
   Sirius and Remus sat either side of the table at Grimmauld Place, alone, sharing a bottle of firewhiskey. Sirius sighed, blowing bubbles through their straw.  
   Remus tilted his head, "That mean anything?"  
   "Means I'm bored," Sirius muttered through the straw.  
   "Well, we could play chess, or listen to the radio, or-" Remus was interrupted by Sirius groaning and putting their head down on the table. "Fine. Alright. We won't do those."  
   "I haven't seen sunlight in fucking months," Sirius whined into the table.  
  "Well, actually, you see it through your window daily,"  
   "Merlin's beard."  
They sat in silence and Remus drummed his fingers against the wood while Sirius tapped their feet against the chair leg.  
   "By the way," Sirius looked up minutes later, folding their arms and resting their head on them, "Tonks, she's not a lesbian."  
    Remus stopped drumming, raising his eyebrows, "How do- how would you know?"  
    "Talking to her, obviously?" Sirius shrugged.  
     Remus leant forward, frowning, "Did she... Did she flirt with you?"  
    "You do know she calls me both cousin and uncle periodically, right?"  
    "Yeah, well, as a joke. I don't know, your parents were cousins, I figured your family were just cool with that shit."  
   "Well, you know," Sirius fiddled with their straw, sitting up, "Maybe she did flirt with me. What does it matter to you? You know I don't go for girls."  
    "She's nonbinary," Remus corrected them.  
   "A nonbinary girl, then. I like my men 50% and up," they smirked, taking a sip. Remus watched them.  
   "So... she did flirt with you?"  
   "You like her?" Sirius asked, not looking up from the bottle.  
   "I- What? No! I- I just..." he trailed off as they sat up, smiling smugly, "Is it obvious?"  
   Sirius shook their head, "Nah, you're fine. Just thought I'd bare the good news."  
  "It's hardly good news if she flirted with you!" They shrugged and Remus huffed, blowing hair out of his eyes. He picked at the bottle label, "I might... love her."  
   "Blimey, that was fast. You got some kind of weakness for Black Family Traitors, or what?"  
    Remus smiled, shaking his head, "I don't know. How- how do you know when you're in love?"  
    "Remus," Sirius frowned, "You proposed to me at sixteen years old. You know about being in love, surely."  
   "Well..." Remus sucked in his breath, "It was such a long time ago. And it was different."  
   "Different how?"  
  "With you I was constantly, well, terrified! No no no! Not of you!" Remus rushed when he saw Sirius' expression, "Of... Well, losing you, I suppose. Like one day you might up and realise I'm not worth the trouble, that I'm too needy, or harsh, or unstable-"  
   "Moony..." Sirius took his hand but he pulled away, running it through his hair,  
  "I came so close to cheating on you, just so you'd leave me before you could leave me!" He laughed, "Fucking bonkers, right?" Sirius stared at him, lost for words. "I wouldn't let myself just be with you, I'd try so hard to… reserve myself, keep a reign on my emotions, so when the day came that you left it didn't hurt."  
   "Well, did it?"  
  "Like hell! I knew I could never have that again, and that I'd been so fucking stupid to try. I swore that I'd..." he trailed off, pulling the straws from the bottle and taking a swig.  
   "Being in love was the way you smile." Sirius said, eyes fixed on Remus, who lowered the bottle. "You lower your head, every time. And bite your lip a little bit."  
Remus looked at him, "And it was..." they sighed, thinking, "It was your voice;  
raspy and too high and always so fucking sincere. You sound serious when you're  
bloody laughing, Moony."   
    The bottle was returned to the centre of the table, "And it was skipping Christmas dinner with you because you were Jewish and I hated all the noise, and we'd make out in the astronomy tower and steal food from the kitchen."   
     Remus smiled, Sirius pulled their chair closer, "And being in love is the fact that, both then and now, I'd do anything for you. I'd die, I'd live, I'd go back to fucking Azkaban for the rest of my life! I never would have left you. Never. You're not just my moon, you're my sun and my stars and my world!"  
    "And yet," Remus interrupted them, "You're willing to let me go?"  
     "Oh, I'm not doing that. I'm... sharing. But I swear I'd do whatever makes you happy."  



	10. the Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Very short, canon compliant description of how Tonks confessed to Remus. Based off the scene in Remus' Pottermore file.

They jumped behind a wall and landed arm to arm. Remus sighed, Tonks laughed, "We're gonna be stuck here for the long run."  
    "Fuuuuuuuck," Remus said as Tonks took a swig from a flask she'd brought along.  
    She rested her head on his shoulder and he shrank into his coat, nose barely poking out from the tattered collar. They sat in silence, Tonks drinking and Remus panicking.  
    "They're still handsome, don't you think?" Tonks whispered after a while, "Even after Azkaban?"  
     Remus sighed, rubbing his eyes wearily, "I suppose you're in love with them. They get all the girls. Which is ironic considering-" he was interrupted when he was shoved right over, arms flailing, "What the-" he looked up to see Tonks scowling over him, near tears,  
    "If you'd been paying any bloody attention, you'd know exactly who I love, Remus!" She jumped up and vaulted the wall.  
     Remus sat frozen, staring about, stunned. "Shit." He shot up, "Fucking hell," and ran after her, "Piss and shit."  
  


 


	11. Fumbling in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was good, oh of course it was good, this was Remus Lupin, and if anything still worked on him, it was his mouth; anything that came from that mouth could move mountains and pluck stars from the sky. Or destroy them where they stood.
> 
> Remus arrives at Grimmauld Place in the dead of night, drunk and disheveled.

Sirius stood in the doorway, wand raised, as whoever was on the other side scrabbled to open the front door to Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. It was past midnight; something had to be wrong.  
     Remus' head ducked into the space through the crack of open door, and his eyes widened when he found a wand touching his nose, "Fuck's sake, it's only me!" he muttered.  
   "Prove it," Sirius said, not backing down.  
   Remus rolled his eyes, "Blimey, what's got into you? Alright, fine, there's a tattoo on your left wrist of the moon that waxes and wanes with my nickname in the middle, that only shows when there's no moon at all. I've got a corresponding tattoo that tracked your star in the sky and said 'padfoot' but I cut it off fives years ago on the anniversary of James and Lily's death because I was drunk and furious and really fucking sad. Also your dick is-"  
   Sirius pulled Remus in, pushing the door closed, "Easy there, I believe you," they sniffed, "Are you drunk?"  
  "What? No! I am sober as a... as a..." he frowned, pointing a finger in the air, "A thing that is very sober."  
    "Oh, for fuck's sake!" Sirius hissed, dragging a lightly protesting Remus into the chair room, "Why the bloody hell are you drunk?"  
   "I would answer your question, except I'm not drunk, so I can't." Remus muttered obtusely, sitting down and pushing hair from his eyes.  
   "You're obviously hammered, Remus! I can smell it on you - it's some kind of cheap muggle lager and all!" Sirius ran their hands through their hair, sighing. They sat down beside Remus, "Is something wrong? Why are you even here?"  
   Remus shrugged, "I just got back. From a mission," he shook his head, smiling, "It was a real fucker, I'll tell you that. Life went woo," he waved his hand across his face, "Before my eyes! And, yeah, needed a place to crash," he smiled at Sirius, "And I missed you."  
   "Well," Sirius sighed again, failing to contain a smile, "That explains everything up to the drinking, so I'll take it. Whoa-" Remus' face was inches from theirs, eyes closed, "What are you-" it was obvious, and Sirius paused for a moment, considering, and then shrugged. They kissed.  
    And kissed and kissed. And it wasn't like before, it wasn't like the first and the last kiss they would ever - could ever - share, it wasn't a glorious release, a welcome home, or anything of the sort. It was two people fumbling in the dark; a screwup and a drunk.  
   It was good, oh of course it was good, this was Remus Lupin, and if anything still worked on him, it was his mouth; anything that came from that mouth could move mountains and pluck stars from the sky. Or destroy them where they stood.  
    But no, this time it wasn't natural; it wasn't a rush of instincts and emotions and silent 'I love you I love you I love you's - it was forced. The mechanics were all there, the bites and manoeuvres and tugs at Sirius' hair and everything that made it oh so Lupin, except the heart.

  
    Sirius pulled away. Remus tried to pull them back but they swatted him away, and when Remus leant forward to kiss them again, they held his face in both hands. Remus didn't look at Sirius, not just above the eye where he always did, but stared down with half closed eyes at their lips.   
    He was a sight to be seen, with his cheeks slightly squashed together, and perhaps there had been a time when Sirius would have laughed at the sight.  
    There was a pause, a moment that fell through a gap in time, simultaneously endless and instant, like climbing stairs in the dark and missing one, the heartbeat before grabbing the railing. Things were different now.  
    "Remus," he looked up at the when Sirius spoke, "Tell me why you're drunk."  
   Remus let out a long, quiet sigh, resting his head against their chest. Scars showed at the neck of his jumper, dark and unfaded, new. Sirius blinked, and opened their mouth to speak again, but Remus cut them short,  
      "She loves me."  
     "What?"  
   "Tonks. She... she said she loves me."  
     "And you're shacking up here drunk and half-heartedly snogging me why, exactly?"  
     "She can't love me."  
    "What are you on about?"  
     "I'm too old, too poor..." he shook his head, still pressed against Sirius' chest, "Too dangerous."  
     "And what, I was-"  
     "Strong enough. Plus, I was fourteen. I know better now. I thought I knew better, but I didn't, and now I can't stop thinking about her." His voice shook, and he shook, and Sirius felt very little impulse to hold him.  
   "Then, whatever, date her. Marry her, if you want. She knows you're a werewolf, I'm gonna keep you in a steady supply of wolfsbane 'til the day you die, what can go wrong?"  
     "No! No, Sirius, she doesn't deserve me." he balled his fists against their shoulder, "She deserves so much better. You don't know her, she deserves the world, she deserves the stars, she deserves-"  
    Sirius rolled their eyes, "The moon?"  
    Remus sat up and scowled at them, "She doesn't deserve a monster. Please take this seriously!” Sirius screwed up their face, trying not to laugh despite themself, and Remus shoved them, “You’re such a fucking child!”  
   Remus jumped to his feet, and stumbled to the door, “You know what? My condition isn’t the worst side effect of being in love with me,” he looked back at Sirius, “You still being around is.”  
   He slammed the door, and the portrait began screaming. Sirius slumped into their chair, running their hands over their face, and could swear they heard Kreacher chuckling to himself.

 


	12. Tonks' Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was an advertisement for an event at a place with a silly name. The area ringed a bell, but only vaguely, and Sirius supposed it was some Order related business. They shrugged, “So?”  
> “So?” Tonks laughed, “So I can get you in! Or, well, out! Out of here and into there!” Sirius looked up, eyes widening, “Oh yes! And, honestly, didn’t you read it? This place, well, it’s not the best but it’s the biggest and most of the other places I know are lesbian and that’s obviously not your scene so-”
> 
> takes place some time after Snape taunts Sirius. Tonks, in the energetic naivety of youth, has hatched a plan to get Sirius outside for the night, to take their mind of things. Remus finds himself dragged along too, just his luck.

Sirius leant on the banister, and sighed, “Oh. It’s you.”  
   Tonks grinned and ran towards them, tugging them into the nearest room, “Shut up, Mr Sour Grumpy Pants!” She leant on the closed door and tilted her head as Sirius spluttered and protested, “Ms? I ain’t thought of a neutral one yet,” she shrugged.  
    “You can’t just shove me about in my own house!” Sirius stamped their foot, “And mr is fine I guess, whatever, it doesn’t matter.”  
       Tonks rolled her eyes, “Like, I get that your thing is being dark and brooding and whatever else, but,” she grinned, eyes flashing, “I have _really_ good news!”  
    Sirius sat down on a dusty cabinet against the wall, which muttered a complaint, and sighed, “Okay, well, I always knew he was a double sided little fuck, but that was fast! Probably a personal worst.”  
   Tonks screwed up her face, “The fuck you on about? Whatever, tell me later, look at this,” she pulled a flyer from her pocket and shoved it at them.

     It was an advertisement for an event at a place with a silly name. The area ringed a bell, but only vaguely, and Sirius supposed it was some Order related business. They shrugged, “So?”  
      “ _So?”_ Tonks laughed, “So I can get you in! Or, well, out! Out of here and into there!” Sirius looked up, eyes widening, “Oh yes! And, honestly, didn’t you read it? This place, well, it’s not the best but it’s the biggest and most of the other places I know are lesbian and that’s obviously not your scene so-”  
   “I’m finally allowed out?” Sirius’ voice quivered with disbelief, their face lighting up, “You’re not fucking with me, this is for real?”  
         “well…” Tonks chewed her lip, and Sirius sank, “I haven’t exactly run it by the others, but my idea is foolproof! So it’s fine! Just… keep quiet about it, alright?”  
    Sirius smiled again, shaking their head, “You are so obviously my cousin. C’mere you beautiful delinquent piece of shit,” they tugged her into a hug, lifting her off the ground with ease, “Fuck, you’re so short!”  
      “Hey, I’m gonna be your wingman in Soho so don’t go insulting me now!” Tonks laughed.

     “What’s this about Soho?” the laughter stopped instantly and Sirius dropped Tonks. They both stared at Remus Lupin, who had just walked in.  
    Tonks dragged him in and Sirius slammed him against the wall, hand over his mouth while Tonks got out her wand. He said something and Sirius lifted their hand. Remus mumbled, “Look, if this is some strange wolfsbane induced dream-fantasy I want out! I want out!”  
    Tonks and Sirius exchanged confused looks, and then burst out laughing. They composed themselves a moment later and both gave Remus matching stony expressions.  
    “What did you hear?” Tonks demanded.  
   “Uh… not much. Honestly, the whole slamming me against the wall and interrogating me bit is the most suspicious bit of all.”  
    “Fuck,” Sirius mumbled, then cleared their throat, “Well, obviously now you have to be in on the plan!”  
    “Yeah!” Tonks grinned, “You can stay here and be our alibi!”  
   Remus frowned, “I know I’m really going to regret ever asking, but alibi for what?” They both smirked, and Sirius explained. “No!”

  Remus shook his head vigorously, “No, that is the most stupid, reckless, bloody _Sirius-ish_ thing I have heard all week! And I’ve heard all about what Harry’s doing this week, so that is really fucking saying something.”  
   “Yeah, I think all those stories I told baby Harry got through somehow,” Sirius chuckled, “But anyway, you have to do it or else we’ll have to- Tonks, what will we do?”  
   She shrugged, “Lock him in a trunk ‘til it’s over?”  
   “No, we can’t do that, he’ll just blab when we let him out. And we have to let him out, come on, it’s Remus of all people! Now, if it were Snape or whatever I’d be fine with locking him away forever but Remus? Nooooo!”  
   “Yeah, he’s too nice, you’re right.” She sighed, “Okay, we stick his tongue to the roof of his mouth!”  
    “Oh, he can undo those in a jiffy. Trust me, sixth year, you should have been there.”  
      “Okay, well-”

    “I am still here, you know? Right here, right where you’ve got me pinned against a wall. Just reminding you,” Remus snapped.  
     “Well, that’s not much good unless you’re planning on helping us out,” Sirius said, “Are you?”  
    Remus looked from Sirius to Tonks and back again, and pushed his hair out of his eyes, “I know I can hardly stop you. Likelihood is even if I told Dumbledore you’d still up and do it, get yourselves kicked out, too. So…” he sighed, “I suppose I must come with you. As a designated apparator,”  
     “And to make sure we don’t do anything ‘Sirius-ish,’” Tonks added, and Sirius nodded,  
    “Our designated Stop-Us-Fucking-Shit-Upper.”

    Satisfied, they stepped back, and Tonks started relaying the plan in enthusiastic detail. Remus leant against the wall and listened, cursing himself for having such a stress-inducing ‘type.’

 

The plan involved lots of tricky transfiguration, being nice to Kreacher and then locking him safely away in the cellar, and an extremely Sirius-ish stunt of mid-air apparition jumping off the roof - in fact, that was Sirius’ idea, since the door was clearly just too boring for them.  
     Remus sat on the bed of the spare room they were using and fiddled with his wand as he watched Tonks give making Sirius unrecognisable her best shot. Changing physical features was her specialty, after all. She scratched her chin, pointing at Sirius here and there and muttering to herself. Sirius threw their arms up, “Hurry up!”

    “Okay, I have an idea!” Tonks waved her wand about and Sirius shrank slightly, their hair shooting back into their head, and sprouted a rather unflattering goatie. “‘s based off a guy in a film I saw. Although, like, it was only a cameo, few seconds, so you won’t have people staring.”  
     Remus looked them up and down, laughing quietly, Sirius threw their wand at him, “It’s not that bad!” they looked in the mirror, running a hand over their short and tidy hair, “Okay, well…”  
       Remus picked up their wand, checking it was okay after being hurled across a room instead of actually used, “Come on, Tonks, have a heart. Let ‘em have long hair at the very least.”

    “Fine!” Tonks flopped down beside him, “You try!”  
  Remus smirked, “You sure? Remember, I’m against this entire plan.”  
     “Oh no, I completely understand,” she crossed her arms, “You stick to boggarts and dementors, everyone has a weak area.”  
   “Okay,” Remus sat up, rolling up his sleeve, “Watch this!”   
   He got Sirius from behind, where they were trying to make their hair bearable, only to find it growing, along with their nose, and themself. They turned, confused. Severus Snape looked awfully out of place in leather and jeans.

     Tonks stuffed her face into Remus’ shoulder, cackling wildly, Remus himself grinned, going rosy red. Sirius double took at the mirror and their face became a picture of betrayal - an odd sight in their current state. “What the fuck did I ever do to you?”  
   Remus lowered his eyes, coughing vigorously, until Tonks calmed down enough to turn Sirius back to normal. They dropped between the two, shimmying their way between them with folded arms. All three sighed simultaneously. The following laughter was dulled.  
     Tonks shoved her hand in the air, “I have an idea!” she looked at the other two, smiling, “I think you’ll like this one, cuz.”


	13. Outside of Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh?” Remus raised his eyebrows, “You think I, queer poster boy of 19 years, don’t know Soho etiquette? I knew Soho back when Sirius thought they were straight!” He leant back, smiling, and shrugged nonchalantly, “Manchester’s better.”
> 
> Sirius, Tonks, and Remus go to Heaven in Soho. For those that don't know, it's the biggest gay bar in London (not the best, but the biggest. you try finding out what gay bars existed in the 90s)

Remus was very glad he was sitting down as he stared up at a devilish combination of the finest parts of Sirius and Tonks stood before him, checking themself out in the mirror and toying with thick wavy hair that fell to their elbows. He crossed his legs, picking at the hem of his jumper and trying desperately to ignore Tonks’ smug gaze on him.  
    “It’s perfect!” Sirius whirled around, shoving their wand through the knot of their hair, “I want to look like this permanently! Tonks, you’re perfect, I love you, never change.” They bounced on the spot and Tonks poked Remus,  
     “What you think, eh?”  
    Remus nodded, chewing at his sleeve which he’d pulled up over his hand, not looking at either of them. He shrugged, “I wouldn’t recognise him.”  
    “Bet your head would turn, though!” Sirius laughed.  
   “Yeah,” Tonks nodded, “Maybe we should go for something more… plainjane.”  
   “No!” Sirius and Remus yelled at once, and Sirius turned to Remus, taken aback and laughing. Tonks joined them.

    “Well,” Remus huffed, red to the ears, “Anyway. Tonks, will you lend Sirius some less Sirius-ish clothes?”  
   “Oh, it’s not them I’m worried about. What’ll you look like down Soho in jumpers and jeans, both from the late seventies.”  
   “Oh?” Remus raised his eyebrows, “You think I, queer poster boy of 19 years, don’t know Soho etiquette? I knew Soho back when Sirius thought they were straight!” He leant back, smiling, and shrugged nonchalantly, “Manchester’s better.”

 

The night arrived for their outing sooner than Remus had expected, and second thoughts plagued his mind. If he did tell Dumbledore, then perhaps they could be stopped… he would also lose his two closest companions. As was his nature, he pushed worries and doubts aside and focused on making sure nothing went wrong.  
      They congregated in Buckbeak’s room, and Tonks wiggled her eyebrows at Remus, impressed by his patch-less button-up and general modern neatness. Sirius frowned, ruffled his hair, and then smiled, “Perfect.”  
    Sirius led the way to the roof, having significantly more trouble in their transfigured state, “Alright, you were right, this is fucking bullshit unless you’re a beanpole.”  
     “Keep it down!” Remus hissed, giving them a leg up, “Someone might hear us!”  
    “Uh, excuse me, I’m allowed on the roof - probably - so I’ve done nothing wrong so far.”  
   Tonks climbed up after them, “Try explaining what you look like to McGonagall though.” They both pulled remus up, and he held onto their arms tightly.  
    “Okay,” he whispered, over cautious if anything, “All ready?” Sirius and Tonks nodded, and they apparated.

 

  The streets were busy, and Remus’ timing was lucky, as they landed in an alley the very second before two people fell into it, involved in each other. Remus quickly pulled the party past and into the light of Soho. “Okay, Tonks,” he said, “Where was it you had planned?”  
     Tonks smiled and started marching across the street to a brightly lit place titled ‘Heaven.’ Remus nodded, “Of course.” He rolled his eyes and turned to Sirius, who hung back, taking in the surroundings, “C’mon,” he took them by the hand and ran after Tonks, who was waving at them now.  
    Heaven was as most nightclubs are; packed, bright, and loud. The closest wizards got to packed bright and loud was perhaps Christmas feasts at Hogwarts - Sirius had always hated those feasts. Remus watched them closely as they shrank into themself, blinking rapidly and holding their hands up to their head, not quite covering their ears but wishing to.

     They danced for a while, or Tonks danced while Remus edged Sirius further and further away from the centre of the noise. Only once Sirius was finding it hard to breath and squeezing their eyes shut did Tonks look around and notice. Her and Remus’ eyes met for a second, before she nodded and the party moved outside.  
  
    They found a spot around the back of Heaven that was deserted, just brick wall and bins and a pool of white-blue light from the nearby neon signs. Sirius sat down on a railing and held their head in their hands, and while Remus conjured a charm to dampen the music Tonks squeezed his arm, “I’ll get us some drinks, yeah?”  
    He turned to her and nodded, “Yeah, good idea. Cokes, no alcohol.” She smiled and winked, and her hand stayed for a moment longer, a telling moment, before she dashed back inside. He watched her go, stomach twisting in knots.  
  
   Remus pushed his hair out of his eyes and leant on the railing with a sigh, “I’m sorry, mate. I should have seen that coming. Should have warned you.”  
     Sirius took their hands away from their face and shrugged, looking around. Remus got out his pack of cigarettes and held them out, they turned them down but gave him a look that meant they didn’t mind him smoking around them. The smell of Remus’ cigarettes could only ever be quite calming to Sirius, like most things about him.  
     Remus inhaled deeply, talking with a mouth full of smoke, “‘Course, you probably would have insisted anyway. Knowing you, knowing Tonks egging you on. Could’ve at least prepared for this kind of thing though.” He coughed, fiddling with the cigarette, inhaling again.  
   They sat in the light and the smoke and the distant music, and they didn’t talk, and Remus tapped on the railing to the beat, and they waited for Tonks, and she was taking a ruddy long time.  
  
  After a while of coughing and smoking and not talking, Sirius turned to Remus, and said, “I’m sorry.”  
   Remus looked up at them, smiling faintly, “About this? Don’t worry, it’s my fault, I’m s’posed to be keeping Tonks in check and all.”  
   “No, no, it’s not your fault, we made you.” Sirius leant forward to be in line with Remus, who was still considerably shorter and not sat on a railing, “And I’m just sorry. About…”  
    Remus heard laughing at the door, and glanced to see that Tonks had been stopped by a handsome woman, “About?”  
     “About-” Tonks turned the woman down, and continued on her way outside, and Remus pressed his lips to Sirius’.  
  
      For a moment Sirius sat there, eyes open, with Remus kissing them; this was unexpected and confusing. But, well, it wasn’t drunken and forced, right? They closed their eyes.  
    The exchange was interrupted just moments later by the sound of smashed glass. Sirius looked up, whipping their hands from Remus’ waist as quickly as they had found themselves there, to find Tonks standing before them, surrounded by broken glass and coke.  
  
   Tonks’ eyes flitted between the two, deciding which one deserved best her glare of contempt - She stopped at Sirius, and shook her head, and spat, then ran off.  
    Sirius jumped from the railing, running after her, “Tonks, no! It’s- He- Tonks!” She had disappeared into the noise and the light. They turned around to find Remus leant where he had been, hands knitted together, face blank. “Well?” They asked.  
   “Well what?”  
   “Don’t you have to go after her? You’re her _minder_ after all!”  
   Remus shrugged, scratching his head, “She knows her way around. It’s best to leave it.”  
     Sirius stared at him, “Do you really not give a fuck?”  
    “I give every fuck. It’s best to leave it,” he repeated.  
     Realisation fell on Sirius like a chill down their spine. They had been used as a tool to throw Tonks off, a coward’s rejection. They laughed dryly, “Fucking fantastic.” They spat at Remus’ feet as Tonks had done to them and disapparated.  
      Remus stood alone outside Heaven in Soho, and now it was his turn to struggle to breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since my proofreader was a little confused, explanation: tonks doesnt know about sirius and remus fully, she knows they dated, she knows remus said hes single, and she knows sirius 'doesnt care' and has basically given her the go ahead. remus kisses sirius to try and throw tonks off. hes probably already tried telling her straight up but look at remus, do you really think he knows how to talk to girls?


	14. To Have Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know,” they said, and he looked up, “It’s really weird the other way around. You doing the explaining and me kissing you when you get too excited. And not talking to you by my own accord, not by yours. It’s strange not being the one to fuck up for once.” they grimaced, “I don’t like it.”  
>  “Well…” Remus bounced on the balls of his feet, “There’s a quick solution to that one.”
> 
> Remus apologises to Sirius and they make amends. Perfect timing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed the formatting, hopefully this is easier to read. not used to computer screen width or fic format rules, sorry.

Three weeks. Three weeks of sulking and silence and conversations muted when he walked in the room. Three weeks of slammed doors and silent dinners and a full moon alone. Three weeks exactly. But not a day more; he couldn’t take a single day more.

  
    He knocked on the door to Buckbeak’s room. “Piss off!” He kept knocking. “Can’t you hear me? Fuck off!” He kept knocking. “Merlin’s shitty undies!” He paused, and then kept knocking. His arm got tired, and he stopped, and he called,

  
     “Padfoot. Please.”

  
   There was a pause, and Buckbeak chirped, and then Sirius opened the door enough to poke his head through, “Well?”

  
     “I’ve come to say I’m sorry.” Remus said, Sirius shrugged, “I’ve talked to Tonks, apparently you-”

  
    “Yes, yes, she told me! It’s all your fault and she forgives me and we’re now BFFs again and everything is perfect.”

  
    “Except-”

  
   “Except you, yeah! Which means that everything is as shit as it ever was. And you didn’t tell her why you were kissing me, it seems.” They leant in the doorway, arms folded.

  
    “Well, she doesn’t need to know!” Remus protested, “As far as she needs to know, I was kissing you because I love you, which is true, I do love you, and as far as she needs to know that means I don’t love her, which means she can…” he sighed, “Move on? Find someone less fucked up and dangerous and unworthy? And so can I. Move on. And it’ll just be a funny story, a misunderstanding, something we laugh about later.” He had begun to talk quite fast, “And I really, really am sorry for using you like that, although I swear it wasn’t solely because of Tonks, you really did look amazing, although I suppose that was because of Tonks, since… Okay, the point is I need you-” He stopped; Sirius had kissed him.

  
    It was on the cheek. Quick and light, with their hand on his arm. Remus closed his eyes, and his rapid-fire thoughts left him in a sigh, and his head felt lighter than it had in three weeks exactly.

  
   “You know,” they said, and he looked up, “It’s really weird the other way around. You doing the explaining and me kissing you when you get too excited. And not talking to you by my own accord, not by yours. It’s strange not being the one to fuck up for once.” they grimaced, “I don’t like it.”

  
     “Well…” Remus bounced on the balls of his feet, “There’s a quick solution to that one.” He looked up at Sirius, “I’m sorry,” he held out his hand, “Quits?”

  
   Sirius grinned and pulled him into a hug, “Quits. Although I want you to finish that little speech later, at normal pace, because it sounded like it was about to get quite sweet.”  
    “I was just going to say, you know,” Remus hung onto Sirius around the neck, “That I need you and I’m tired of all the silence. We need to fix this, properly, once and for all. I love you and I want to go back to how things were.”

  
     “Who doesn’t?” Sirius leant down, and Remus leant up, and the door closed behind them, and they were kissing. No, it wasn’t the first and last, adrenaline and instinct, silent ‘I love you I love I love you’s or glorious release. Nor was it fumbling in the dark, forced and drunk. This kiss was one thing: hope. Hope that maybe once again, their kisses could mean home.

* * *

 

“Remus!” Remus sighed into Sirius’ chest, and didn’t open his eyes, and his hands stayed in their hair, making tiny plaits. “Reeeeeeeeeeemus!” Someone was calling for him, but he didn’t dare open his eyes, break the moment, the perfect moment, “LUPIN!”

  
     Sirius pulled his hands from their hair, and pushed them away gently, and when Remus looked up they nodded at him. “HARRY’S IN TROUBLE, REMUS!” The floor fell from under them, and they both rushed to the landing. Tonks was halfway up the stairs, and started running when they appeared, “Come on! We need to get to the department of mysteries right away!” She grabbed him, and tugged him down the stairs,

  
   “What? What’s happened? What kind of trouble?” Sirius demanded, gripping the banister.

  
   “Big trouble!” Tonks said.

  
    They rushed back into the room and appeared a moment later with their wand, and Remus shouted up the stairs, “Oh no no no! You are staying put, mister!”

  
    “But Harry-”

  
    “Will be devastated if you get killed or caught! Stay here!”

  
    “But-”

  
   “STAY!” Both Remus and Tonks yelled together, and the door slammed a moment later. The portrait screamed and caterwauled, and Sirius heard Kreacher laughing at something that could hardly be quite that funny.  
     They shoved their wand through a belt loop, and ran to the window. It was unlocked. We all know how this part of the story ends.

 

 


	15. an Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Days had passed since the Department of Mysteries, and it had become clear that he would not get to free-fall this time. People relied on him, he had jobs to do, he had to be the steady one. Always so kind, that Remus Lupin.
> 
> Sirius is dead, and as their story ends another begins. I'm not writing that one, JK already did (mostly)

Days had passed since the Department of Mysteries, and it had become clear that he would not get to free-fall this time. People relied on him, he had jobs to do, he had to be the steady one. Always so kind, that Remus Lupin.  
   So, instead of slammed doors, and the sky falling, and the ground crumbling, the world went grey. It went quiet, and empty, and the stars stopped shining. Oh, this was London; they never did shine. Bloody light pollution.

    Tonks found him sat on the floor petting Buckbeak, wearing what seemed to be an attempt at a jumper. She leant in the doorway, and knocked.

     “They were always in here, hm?” Remus muttered, “I s’pose it’s the only room in the house that they could stand. Funny that.” He sighed, the sharp lines in his face creasing into a frown. “They made me this,” he tugged at the woolen ‘jumper,’ “It was a first attempt, so no laughing. They took the jacket with them, so… And anyway, I would have given it to Harry.”  
  
   “That’s very kind of you,” Tonks’ voice came out quieter than she’d planned. Remus just shook his head slowly, frowning still. Buckbeak nipped affectionately at his sleeve.  
  
     “Have you seen the Prophet? Man, he, him, he he fucking him. It’s not like they were subtle or quiet about any of it. I hate it. I want to…” he sighed, “ _Tell off_ everyone doing it. Even Harry calls them ‘he,’ but Sirius always gave him a lot of leeway, didn’t mind. To this day I don’t think he even knows about us, I don’t think he ever will.” He smiled sadly, “That would have been a funny conversation between the three of us.”  
   Tonks just nodded, and came to sit down beside him, at a safe distance. Remus swallowed, “They were so stupid! The timing, so fucking stupid! We had hope for the first time since… well, since Azkaban! Things were going to be okay. Normal, even.”  
  
     “They can be okay again,” Tonks offered, putting a hand on his shoulder, “I’m still here, Remus. And I’m gonna stick by you.”  
  
    He turned to her, his expression cold, “Stick by me? I don’t want you anywhere near me, when are you gonna understand that? You’re… You’re annoying and too young and you’re never gonna replace them or whatever it is you think you’re doing!” He pulled himself away, getting up, “I can handle this. I’ve done it before.”  
  
    “Sirius told me everything, you know?” Tonks said, and Remus stopped and stared at her, “What you was doing at Heaven. They told me.”  
  
      “Oh. Well, good for you,” he muttered, and left the room, kicking the door on the way out. Tonks could hear him down the hall, “Oh, great, Kingsley, Dumbledore said to talk to you about something to do with a pack of werewolves up north?”  
  
     She sighed, and the last of the colour drained from her hair.

 


End file.
